squarespi

Politically Incorrect Squares

Demond Wilson of Sanford & Son

Phyllis Diller modeling a fur

Peter Marshall: World Heavyweight Champion Muhammad Ali recently visited the White House, and he told President Ford, "You made a big mistake in letting me come here because now I'm coming after your..." What?
Paul Lynde: Daughter.

Clearly, The Hollywood Squares was a show from a much, much different time. It's clearly removed from its current-day counterpart in its humor. In those days, there were still plenty of people who thought it was funny to laugh at ethnic backgrounds, religious backgrounds, foreign accents (John Byner and Charlie Callas often answered questions straight, but in stereotypical accents, as if that was a joke in itself), domestic violence, sexual assault, the elderly (with Charley Weaver leading the charge)...and they still oohed and aahed whenever Phyllis Diller or Joan Rivers or some other celebrity modeled a fur from Dicker and Dicker of Beverly Hills (a game show no-no in this day and age). Today it all stands out like a sore zinger, sending up the red PC flag, but in those days it kind of blended in...

Funny or offensive? You decide...

Peter Marshall: According to Parade magazine, on what night of the week is a woman most likely to be molested?
Rose Marie: With my luck it's tonight and I'm working...

Peter Marshall: Are there any nudist camps in Italy?
Paul Lynde: No, the flies would eat you alive...

Peter Marshall: Can Jewish boys get into Boys' Town?
David Brenner: No, but we can own it.

Peter Marshall: According to Apartment Life magazine, can you tell anything significant about the personality of a person whose apartment has brown carpeting, brown furniture and brown walls?
Paul Lynde: Yes, their maid just exploded.

Peter Marshall: According to police, if you are being molested, other than yelling "Help!" what is the best thing to scream?
Rose Marie (clapping): "More!"

Peter Marshall: ...and Paula's other hobby is to be Polish...to her parents...
Contestant: I'm an illiterate Polack.
Marshall (stammers): ...Illiterate?
Contestant: I could speak Polish but I never learned to read or write it. I just couldn't handle it.
Marshall: Well, you'll get a lot of letters because of what you just said.
Contestant: Well, it's true, I really am illiterate.

Peter Marshall: Demond, as you get older, does your skin get lighter or darker?
Demond Wilson: Awwww, man....(gets up and walks out)
Peter Marshall: Demond! Come back, we need you!

Peter Marshall: True or false...most personal physical attacks are never reported to police.
Rose Marie: No, I just put them in my diary.

Peter Marshall: True or false...most African soccer teams have their own witch doctor.
Redd Foxx: That's true...and their motto is, "If you can't beat 'em, eat 'em."

(from the last NBC show)
Peter Marshall: Charlie, what is the Japanese word that means "the Gentle Road to Happiness"?
Charlie Callas (in stereotypical Japanese accent): Aaaaaahhhh...da jenta road of hoppiness...I woll say eet's sayanara...

Peter Marshall: You're eating chicken, and you notice the bones are very dark. What does that tell you about the chicken?
David Steinberg: At one time, the chicken had rhythm...

(from a 1976 Secret Square prize package)
Kenny Williams: ...and now take a look at the lovely and gracious Phyllis Diller...in a 23 hundred dollar full length coat by Divini. Natural Norwegian blue fox simple fur jacket and streamlength...Furnished by Dicker and Dicker of Beverly Hills. Thank you, lovely Phyllis!

Peter Marshall: Famed Doctor Theodore Rubin was asked recently, "What causes prejudice?" He said "I'll answer in one word." What word was it?
Paul Lynde: Puerto Ricans.

Peter Marshall: True or false...there's no more nutritional value in watermelon than--
Demond Wilson: That's it! (Gets up and walks out of square)
Peter Marshall: Demond! Come back!
Demond Wilson: I don't have to get insulted like this you know, I'm in the number two show here!

Peter Marshall: To the people of Italy, what is "the poe"?
Paul Lynde: The opposite of "the rich."

Peter Marshall: In ancient times, after a battle, the losers would present the winners with a handful of grass. What did this symbolize?
Paul Lynde: The losers were Mexican!

Peter Marshall: True or false...in Egypt, they grow a special kind of cotton that is multi-colored.
Paul Lynde: And white people have to pick it!

Peter Marshall: Paul, when the citizens of China want a drink of water, they usually do something to it first. What?
Paul Lynde: Remove the shirts.

Peter Marshall: Paul, at the end of the movie Planet of the Apes, what does Charlton Heston see that makes him realize that he is actually in New York City?
Paul Lynde: A Puerto Rican.

Peter Marshall: Flip Wilson has said that he's eaten about 2,000 of them and enjoyed them immensely. To what was he referring?
Paul Lynde: Missionaries.

Peter Marshall: According to The Book of Fairies , who is that creature who stands 14 inches tall, is 400 years old, and is dressed all in Lincoln green?
Paul Lynde: The Emperor Hirohito.

Peter Marshall: Paul, where at any one time will you find one quarter of the earth's population?
Paul Lynde: Crossing the Rio Grande. (He pronounced it "Gran-dee," with emphasis on the first syllable)

Peter Marshall: Can you cross a pumpkin with a watermelon?
George Gobel: Yeah, but you're gonna end up with a jack-o-lantern with an afro.

Peter Marshall: You are married in India. How did you probably meet your spouse?
Paul Lynde: We were fighting over a lima bean.

Peter Marshall: The average child in China learns how to do it at age three. The average child in America never learns. What?
Paul Lynde: Oh, how to pull a rickshaw.