The Classic Hollywood Squares Site

George Gobel
Peter Marshall: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.
During Gobel's early years on the Squares, Peter Marshall often re-interated his famous nickname..."Oh, Lonesome George." At a party, Gobel would be the guy who hung out at the punch bowl not saying much...but when he did everyone would stop and listen, and laugh.  And oh yes, he would drink the most.

George Gobel was born in Chicago in May 1919.  He was a child entertainer just like fellow Square Rose Marie, and at about the same time.  As a kid he made frequent appearances on the
National Barn Dance which originated through WLS in Chicago and was fed nationally over NBC radio.  He also played all the kid parts on the Tom Mix radio show too. World War Two resulted in a break from Gobel's burgeoning show business career.  He entered the Army Air Corps, worked as a flight instructor ("Not one Japanese zero got past Tulsa") and eventually left as a First Lieutenant.  He emerged in the 1950s as a beloved nightclub comedian, and got his own show (The George Gobel Show, 1954-60) on CBS as well as guest appearances on everything from The Spike Jones Show to Wagon Train.  He also appeared in movies like "I Married a Woman" and even developed his own catch phrase ("Well I'll be a dirty bird"). 

Gobel appeared on the
Hollywood Squares frequently before joining as a regular in 1972.  He stayed until the very end.  After the Squares, Gobel continued making guest appearances on everything from Hee Haw to The Fall Guy.   He died just after surgery in Encino, California in Feburary 1991.  But his legacy lives on.  He has a very expensive guitar named for him, and people still quote some of his most famous sayings, like the one he made in a classic 1972 appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson ("Did you ever feel like the whole world is a black tuxedo and you're a pair of brown shoes?").             
Peter Marshall: Can breathing in and out of a paper bag help stop anything?
George Gobel: If it's filled with wine it can stop me from shaking.  

Peter Marshall: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes... 

Peter Marshall: If the Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman were to have a baby, would it be a bionic baby?
George Gobel: Yes, but it would require three doctors, a ground crew and a disposable net. 

Peter Marshall: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!"
What does that mean?
George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
(laughter and applause dies down)
Peter Marshall: Aren't you ashamed?
George Gobel: I really am.  

Peter Marshall: What is the definition of the word "Gobbledygook?"
George Gobel: That's the stuff that crusts over in turkeys' eyes when they're asleep. 

Peter Marshall: According to an old song, you should "Wrap all your troubles in..." What?
George Gobel: Furs...and tell her to stop calling your house! 

Peter Marshall: One Frenchman in seven makes his living making something. Making what?
George Gobel: Making love to the lady tourists.  

Peter Marshall: Does the Secret Service have any women?
George Gobel: Of course, who do you think performs the secret service? 

Peter Marshall: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. 

Peter Marshall: True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em. 

Peter Marshall: According to the Reverend Billy Graham, what sin have you committed if drink too much?
George Gobel:  Gluttony.  The neighbors say I ate their cat. 

Peter Marshall:  If you find someone lying unconscious in the street, should you do anything?
George Gobel:  I'd probably crawl around him I guess. 

Peter Marshall:  According to Shakespeare, what acquaints a man with strange bedfellows?
George Gobel:  The tall dude in the purple hat. 

Peter Marshall: What is the most popular place in America that people want to visit?
George Gobel:  It's right down the hall, to the right and has a sign on the door.  

Peter Marshall:  Is it possible to housebreak an elephant?
George Gobel:  Yes, but don't try it during a newspaper strike.

Peter Marshall:  According to Dear Abby, how long is the average honeymoon?
George Gobel:  Forty-seven minutes.

Peter Marshall: What did Anita Bryant do for her talent competition in the Miss America contest?
George Gobel: Punch the hairdresser.

Peter Marshall: True or false, pickles and martinis don't taste as good to people with dentures?
George Gobel: Well, you can get along without dentures.

Peter Marshall: True or false, the dining room of the House of Representatives in Congress
serves 10-12 gallons of beans every day? 
George Gobel: And they go pass...
(laughter) legislation!

Peter Marshall: True or false, the Pope believes the Vatican might be bugged? 
George Gobel: And he also believes that 18 minutes of the new testament are missing.

Peter Marshall: According to The Cosmo Girl's Book Of Ettiquette, what does Helen Gurley
Brown say you should put in your bra to attract men? 
George Gobel: A copy of Sports Illustrated.

Peter Marshall: True or false, a Florida man was recently fined 75 cents to pay for the bullet
police fired at him? 
George Gobel: Yeah, and they didn't have change for a dollar, so they shot him two more times.

Peter Marshall: What do you call a cow that won't give milk? 
George Gobel: Hamburger.

Peter Marshall: True or false, drinking alcohol reduces the amount of male hormones in your body? 
George Gobel: You can't scare me!

Peter Marshall: According to the People's Almanac, what do they call it when one person is
engaged in kissing, fondling, and caressing with another person? 
George Gobel: In show  business, we call it an interview.

Peter Marshall: What was Rudyard Kipling describing when he wrote about a "rag-a-bone" and a
George Gobel: His unsuccessful attempt to shoot his wife out of a cannon.

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for a man to get an annulment if he can prove that he was drunk
during the wedding ceremony? 
George Gobel: Well, I thought of that, but by the time I sobered up, we had been married 23 years.

Peter Marshall: According to flag ettiquette, how does a woman show her respect for the
American flag? 
George Gobel: She picks up a sailor

Peter Marshall: True or false, some fish moo? 
George Gobel: Some fish
Peter: Moo  like a cow.  Moo, yeah. 
George: Well then, conversely if you held a cow underwater it would drown.  I'd say turnabout is fair play.

Peter Marshall: According to weather statistics, where is the wettest spot on Earth? 
George Gobel: Uh, the parking lot at Busch Gardens.

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for a man to get an annulment if he can prove that he was drunk during the wedding ceremony?
George Gobel: Well, I thought of that, but by the time I sobered up, we had been married 23 years.

Peter Marshall: When are you considered an old man in Japan?
George Gobel: When you have to get your doctor's permission to bow.

Peter Marshall: According to Dear Abby, it's nature's signal that something is wrong. What is it? George Gobel: When your son starts waxing his legs.

Peter Marshall: According to legend, what one thing was Noah's wife not willing to do?
George Gobel: Sunbathe amongst the anteaters.

Peter Marshall: According to Shakespeare's "Seven Ages Of Man", what is he after he's been a lover?
George Gobel: Poot.
Peter Marshall: That's who gave us the word "poot", eh? Shakespeare?
George Gobel: Well, he gave us a lot of good words.
Peter Marshall: He sure did.
George Gobel: He's quite a man.

Peter Marshall: True or false, there is a magazine called "The Corsets & Underwear Revue"? George Gobel: I was reading that before Playboy came out.

Peter Marshall: Dear Abby says it's the single reason most people go to an X-rated movie. What is it?
George Gobel: Well, in the first place, they can't believe their eyes the first 20 or 30 times.

Peter Marshall: True or false, there is a Catholic parrish in Las Vegas that holds services in a topless discotheque?
George Gobel: Yes, and there's a sign that says "Do not tip or touch the choir".

Peter Marshall: True or false, massaging the feet helps some people with hot flashes?
George Gobel: So that's why Rose Marie wears battery-operated shoes.

Peter Marshall: Years ago, American Indians tied small pine trees to their feet, and thereby invented what?
George Gobel: Shoe trees.

Peter Marshall: According to beauty experts at Seventeen magazine, what is the major cause of crows feet?
George Gobel: God made them so crows could dance.

Peter Marshall: According to an article in the Dayton Daily News, it's the most universal reaction in men after they've gotten their divorce. What is it?
George Gobel: Relief.

Peter Marshall: According to "The People's Handbook Of Medical Care", it's the single-most important factor in letting you know that something is wrong with you. What is it?
George Gobel: It's when people pass you on the street, and go "YECCH!"
Peter: That would do it I think.

Peter Marshall: You have some lipstick on your collar. Will treating it with petroleum jelly help? George Gobel: I'm gonna have a hard enough time explaining the lipstick!

Peter Marshall: Traditionally, on Ground Hog Day, what is the ground hog looking for when he comes out of his hole?
George Gobel: Well, anything except a speeding lawn mower.

Peter Marshall: According to French wine experts, was 1969 a good, or a bad year for wine? George Gobel: Now this has got to be a trick question because there's
never been a bad year for wine.

Peter Marshall: According to Father Lester's column, is there ever, EVER a time when it is permissible to punch somebody in the mouth?
George Gobel: Well, yeah. Like if he backs into the church's new Chevy wagon.

Peter Marshall: According to the celebrated Masters & Johnson, ther are about four or five thousand places offering sex therapy in America today. Now, according to Masters & Johnson, do they feel that most of them are doing a really good job?
George Gobel: Well, not the ones where you don't have to leave your car.

Peter Marshall: The Pittsburgh Press calls it a combination of the Jitterbug, the Cha-cha, and the Mambo. What do you call it?
George Gobel: A short in my electric blanket.

Peter Marshall:  True or false?  A man arrested in West Palm Beach, Florida was fined 75 cents after a policeman shot him with two bullets.
George Gobel:  The guy only had a dollar, so the policeman shot him two more times.

Peter Marshall:  George, does Elizabeth Taylor smoke?
George Gobel:   She has one cigarette after every meal, which amounts to...two packs a day.

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